POST BY ABBY
In 1993, as Sergei and I were preparing for our return to competitive pairs skating, and Chris and I were doing the same in ice dancing, I was probably happier than I had ever been. Life was good - plain and simple. Yes, I was still very much in the midst of hiding Enna's paternity from the world, but right then, that didn't matter. We had Enna, and that was what mattered. Yes, Ted Kennedy hated me, but right then, that didn't matter. We were still about a year out from that dark day in May of 1994, when Ted would go from being just the person I hated most in the world and become, additionally, the person I feared the most. John was with Daryl Hannah, and he was one of my best friends. And then there was Chris. Our feelings for each other hadn't gone away, but they somehow no longer stood in the way of our friendship. We were as close as we had ever been, and a lot of that was attributable to Jill. Chris's divorce from Isabelle Duchesnay was final, and he had fallen in love with Jill Trenary. Truthfully, we had all fallen in love with Jill. With Jill, our circle was complete. Chris had Jill, and I had Sergei. And Sergei was the one who had made the formation of the circle possible in the first place.

My memories of Sergei Grinkov are classified in phases. First, he was the gangly teenage boy who didn't speak a word of English and called me Ms. Phelps, and called Chris Mr. Dean. And even that was through an interpreter. We couldn't talk to each other without assistance for the longest time, but my goodness we could laugh. Before long, he became my partner, and not just because we skated together. I knew, just as I knew with Chris and had for years, that Sergei was my other half on the ice. He wouldn't hurt me, and he wouldn't allow anything else to hurt me. Seamlessly, he became my friend. For the longest time, I still considered him a kid, and that kept me from discussing some of the more scandalous aspects of my life with him. But suddenly, there was a day in Paris. And on that day, Chris married another woman, and George was married to a woman who couldn't stand me, and John and I hadn't spoken in so long...and Sergei was there. And that day we entered a new phase, and I let him in to all of the things I never thought I would share with him. And we couldn't have known, on that day, just how quickly everything was going to change. We couldn't have known that within a couple of months Sergei would be my husband. But even that wasn't the last phase. He married me to help me out, to keep the media (and Isabelle) off the scent. They couldn't know who Enna's father was, so Sergei was willing to let them think she was his. But then I fell in love.

I didn't see it coming, but I think he did. And though I know there are people who won't believe it, I am 100% certain that I would have been married to Sergei Grinkov forever. Only death could tear us apart. But neither of us ever would have imagined death would come so soon.

I've had 18 years of life since I lost Sergei. Life moved on. I moved on. I loved again, I married again, I became a mother again. I was even happy again. But I was never complete again, and I know that I never will be.

So much has changed. The world knows who Enna's father is, Chris and Jill are no longer together, Ted is gone, John is gone. Without Sergei, all who loved him are left with the remains of a circle which he made possible. But the circle has become a hole. And it will never be filled.

A blog post from the agent-seeking days, originally featured on "Me Want Agent...NOW!"

I am not a writer. I mean, I am, but not officially. Until about fourteen months ago, my attempts at writing something significant included a Barry Manilow musical (Aww, crap! Now you're going to steal my idea aren't you?), a children's book which I won't even tell you about, because I learned my lesson after you all stole my Manilow idea, and various fan fiction, written purely to entertain J and me. Additionally, there was a period of true creative genius during which I knew my idea about a boy who draws things and they come to life was going be a bestseller






But then I had this idea...and it was a good idea. And then I developed the good idea, and it became a great idea. I tried to find something else out there like it, but the fact is there wasn't anything. So I started developing this great idea, and then it started developing itself. The idea became a series of books, with numerous marketing tie-in ideas already fully developed in my mind. 

And I saw the potential that exists, and I knew that the potential would be obvious to everyone. So I finished the books, and then I sent out my first query...and I got a rejection. And I was ready to let it go. I'm not a writer! I'm an executive. I'm a wife and a mother who had an idea, and wrote a couple of books. I thought that was probably as far as I would ever get, and hey...that's pretty good! But then I sent two more queries, and the third agent I contacted - a big NYC, impressive agent - asked for the complete manuscript. 

And then I got the rejection.

There have been some partials requested since, and many queries have been sent. I still believe in the idea, and the writing, and I intend to keep plugging along until someone sees what I see, but it's getting old. 

I wish that I could be like Walter (yes, Walter) and use my magical gold (yes, gold) pencil (yes, pencil) and draw myself a book deal, and a world in which I'm a writer. Officially.